I havent been blogging for a long while now.
Feel like I have so much emotions and problems stuffed inside. I really need an outlet. How I wished there could be a person I can talk to but like it is there is no one I can entirely trust or pour out for this reason or the other.
I first started this blog about a year ago. I've been an avid blogger previously for many years but the past year I was... I dunno... I seem to have lost interest in many things... maybe I was too busy.
I think I am spending too much time at work. Not that I hate my job but I think sometimes I dislike the people around. I think some people are really very mean and evil. I dunno if I seek perfection or recognition but I reallllly dislike it when I've put in so much effort and yet people are unappreciative, fussy and full of themselves. I catch myself behaving like in the workplace at home....showing signs that I don't have enough time for myself
life isnt just about work... I need space.... I feel I dont even have time to read, make friends, date or catch up with old friends.... even simple things like sleep, watching TV and listening to music can be a luxury. The Ellen Degeneres Show is on TV like so many times a day, yet I dont get to watch any episode.
Today I damaged the car. I didnt want to park there but my brother insisted to park in that lot. I knew it was too narrow around there.
This brings me to another point... I dunno I think I shouldnt listen to anyone. I would have chosen sth else if not for so many opinions on this and that regarding postings.
quite sad that we keep talking about work. 75% of life is work 15% probably rest and physiological needs. 5% of the time is spare? but I find it very very hard to do anything constructive. tend to want to add that to the 15%.
sigh on call again in a few hours time... need to sleep.
I dont even have time to feel what I am suppose to sometimes. I feel so blunted. so frustrated.
Ah.... on leave....
what a strange feeling... theres joy that one can finally sleep beyond 6am, watch tv till the wee hours and relax but theres always trepidation of the upcoming end of the leave. lol...
Times when u know u need a break when...
1) u dream abt work (dream abt doing unfinished summaries, dreaming abt how I could have done better/different, dream abt hosp setting...)
2) u have to go to hosp every single day of the week for nearly a month
3) there is no way u can ever get a tan cos u reach hosp before sun rise and leave after sun set everyday
4) u start feeling really cranky and irritated with everyone from the lack of sleep and from EOD calls
5) u start to know almost everyone there including the cleaners and canteen vendors
so far leave has been good.... I cling on to every second!!!
went for a singing session and pizza dinner with my frens... well as usual its difficult to get people cos everyones working and either pre on post call or juz really exhausted / burnt out. Had a nice time catching up. Heard that some people are moving fast in the lane of love haha...
Should try to meet up with more people.... but then again sometimes its really frustrating trying to organise. Plus some people are really irritating at the moment. I really dont feel like talking to these people.
Trying new stuff is the agenda for my break now. And I should really try to curb the sense of nervousness from the release of new team and call lists... I need to forget abt work....
More happenings in July....
its now 7% instead of 5....
This morning at 4pm... bro woke us all up saying we're out of electricity... I was too tired... I opened my eyes momentarily to see what the hoohaa was abt... but I thought hmm I weather was fine... I dun need the A/C
Woke up in almost "total darkness" glimpse of sunlight coming in.... actually I thought the "lighting" was rather soothing... I hate glare. I thought for a moment that water supply is more impt than electricity. haha but I think I cannot live without either for too long.
Got a new set of wheelz.... accord... its sth we wanted for a some time. Only got down to getting it now.
On call tmr... I really need a break soon... been literally dreaming of hospital n work a lot lately....
A few months have passed....
The first month was really like hell. Everyone talked abt changing jobs... like go being a cashier or sth with better hours and brainless activity...
2nd month was much better.... slightly more settled. Everything seems a lot faster now. Mich makes everything seem like a breeze. Jun hols also meant that I didnt have to wake up so early.... Feel very much like a team with HM, KJ and mich. We help each other out. June was a really nice mth... enjoyed the ward/team/nurses a lot.
I feel people from overseas find it very hard to adapt to life here... cos its so much harder here... everything is so foreign to them and they are just not used to working so hard. I guess people from here can very much adapt to life in most cities. Rom is struggling even with us around... I dunno if its working out for him when he has to do everything on his own now....
July: PK is even a newer newbie than me... everythings slower a tad.... rounds seem to drag on forever.
Good thing we have student interns to help. They give us a chance to learn how to teach.... its not easy... being more senior means more responsibilities.... but we all learn from somewhere...
Some patients come back again n again.... their relatives/maid.... we all know each other. Sometimes I feel its really futile.... trying to "heal" these patients is almost impossible... I dun really know what we are trying to achieve sometimes. We try our best to help these families by "treating" these patients to an acceptable "dischargeable" level so that they can go home for a mere few weeks and be back again? Its inevitable. Its that sinking feeling again when u look at the most recent d/c summary and see ur friend's name or ur own name under the "drafted by" section
I havent had an off day in 3 weeks!! omg... its the first time I slept beyond 6am....
Just officially graduated. The ceremony was very much anticipated.... for many yrs haha... was juz a frenzy of photo taking... we have the gown to keep for remembrance and photo taking in the studio... which I havent gone!! should book a slot with my photographer during my LEAVE!
YESSS my leave its coming very soon!!! hehehehe
I cannot believe that I just managed a CALL.
I have just finished my bath with hair and feet still wet when calls started coming. 5 in a row. Freak... I didnt even have time for dinner. Had chicken mayo sandwiches and choc milk at 1130pm.
Mines a thurs call... which means I get friday half day off.... its my turn to be off this sat so woohoo! But its back to work on sun... its supposed to be a short day for sunday but SY is post call tmr.... guess I'll have to cover her side for her. Hope she doesnt have too busy a call for today.
Incesant calls.... that is what u would get during a call.... Is that why its a CALL?! Its the 1st time I had so many phonecalls in a period of 15hrs. Cant imagine in the past when they used pagers! You had to literally CALL the person back. Haha now I know why seniors told us they wanted to throw their phones away or smash it. Well I didnt come to that point yet... but it was certainly quite irritating when one is trying to do sth or speak to someone that the phone keeps going off again n again.
4am I got some time to sleep for a while thankfully. Around this time... the wee hours... feeling really tired, phone ringing all night long, still have plenty to do, barely-there or NOT-there veins with bruises all over from previous attempts by other people, oh no not ANOTHER contact precaution or TB where u have to gown up n use ur N95 .... yes u wonder "Why the heck am I doing this?"... I do understand why some seniors have become so disgruntled and jaded.
My call room was terrible. It wasnt on the level I was covering.... plus it wasnt even cleaned when I went in (blanket was everywhere and there was a stained towel on the chair)... have to call house keeping personel. Later I noticed that the ceiling was covered in mould, the A/C was dripping and I found a baby roach crawling on my bag at 4am. Though I'm quite afraid of roaches... there was no more fear at that point in time.... All I could think of is sleep... I just took a piece of paper and squished it. Think it was the 1st time I killed a roach. Just like that.
Ok come to think of I think I actually had quite a light call. Just that I'm new and slower in doing stuff. Gotta be more organised next call which is in 3 days time!! haha oh man... things will get better once we are used to way things work.
Time to go enjoy my SATURDAY!!
First day at work today. Kinda sux. Haha I guess everyone had that sinking feeling in their hearts... "man I'm going to be doing this for a LONG LONG time..."
Well I did expect the first day to be sucky anyway. Everyone's just very slow, unfamiliar and feeling draggy (like inertia of a 1 tonne blob of mass).... especially us the greenhorns cos all of a sudden we have to shoulder so much responsibility which we are definitely not used to. Tmr will juz be much worse when everyone is just as new to the cases as we are when our seniors change over.
My Senior-senior is someone who will not hesistate to poke a few nasty remarks here and there but thats his way of doing things. He is famous for doing so. One of my seniors was so afraid that I may that it to heart and be upset. Well actually I dont feel much. I guess he will just get nastier and more fussy cos even on the first day he wasnt too nice.
The dept is actually quite slow in the adm stuff... have yet to collect my badge and stamp. Just collected my hp and pass today.
Today the only exciting thing that happened was someone was actually in TOXIC range!! I was ready to jump into action but good thing the friendly old lady smiled at me and said she was fine.
Tmr marks the first CALL DAY! LOL can u imagine non-stop work for 30hrs? I hope I have time to sleep a little.
I feel glad to be home now.... really haha.... I love my TV and my com... and my family of course.
Shall try to sleep earlier today... but first I have to watch my fav history documentary now....
It is new beginning...
Time to embark on a new journey... in various aspects.
Thus the new blog. It's refreshing to be able to let go of the old and start anew. Have been contemplating on a new blog for ages but I was too lazy... What better time than now.
I'm starting work in another 8 hours or so. First day. Basically 'savouring' the last moments being a full time student. Though I don't really know what I'm trying to relish. Grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. I'm standing on the border between 2 fields of greens now.
Have a become quite unfeeling? I dunno. I don't even feel the mixed feelings (I can't put a finger on what they were exactly) I had days ago. Neither do I feel the anxiety or pre-work blues like everyone else. JY said I was too calm. Haa I really dunno what to say. I realised I have become like this recently. Numb. Callous. Probably this is good in the long run.
I have a strong notion that things will get better from now. Not because I feel I'm going to get very lucky but because I feel like I am ready to work hard and learn.
I will start with tighter regulations on my diet, sleep, exercise, study (yes learning IS never ending). Have been too lax with myself during the month long exams and the break following that. Discipline is a pre-requisite for long term happiness. Being reckless and crazy only provides temporary thrills. But I guess "we're never gonna survive unless we are a little crazy" SEAL
Need to source out food that is actually edible in my workplace. In that I mean food that is actually good for me. It is difficult to find 'good' food. Most of the time it's not hard to see where it is coming from. Food nowadays is made with cost, convenience, taste, shelf-life etc in mind but seldom for proper nutrition and health. Everyone's missing the big picture. Going to enquire about the gym at my workplace too. Miracles happen at gyms.
Been sleeping like a hibernating animal today. That's why I am still up at 1am now. Owl ways have to go from now. Though I think I will miss being owly.
Have been driving around more these days. Feeling more confident though I may not know how to get to a lot of places now.
It's time to sleep now. Will see if there are any interesting things to blog tmr or else do catch-up blogging.
